A Little Reminder

Yesterday marked one year since our sweet Hadley went to be with Jesus.  We visisted the cemetery and spent the day with family.  The highlight for the kids was riding the combine with Grandpa.  As we left the field, I noticed that it was the exact time that Hadley had died.  Guess what we saw stretched across the sky?

Yes, a rainbow is a reminder of God's promise to never flood the earth again.  Maybe yesterday this rainbow was to remind our family that He loves us and His plan is perfect.  A friend said, "Maybe this was a small glimpse of how beautiful Heaven is for Hadley."  I like that thought.

This last year has been hard.  It has been exhausting, emotional and overwhelming at times.  I just kept thinking that this first year will be the hardest.  I wished away many days wanting to just get this first year over with.  This last year has been our "storm."  What a sweet reminder of God's love and Hadley to end the year with a rainbow.

We love you!

Happy Birthday!

 

Are there birthdays in Heaven?
Does the angel blow his horn?
Announcing to everybody
That this is the day you were born?

...Can the stars be your balloons
And angel food your cake?
Presents wrapped in moonbeams
All the angels helped to make.

So I’ll whisper a little prayer today
Asking everyone up above
To sing you a Happy Birthday song
And give you all my love.

 

 

Happy Birthday Hadley Abigail!

We love you!

Another kiss on the cheek

I must admit that I am horrible at getting film developed. I almost heard all of you gasp.  Yes, I still use film (sometimes).  As I was organizing our hall closet, I found two rolls of film hiding in our camera case.  After weeks of sitting around, I finally dropped them off at Wal-Mart.

June 14th marked eight months since Hadley's funeral.  Tuesday I had not even had time to think about it actually being the 14th.  That's the nice thing about summer, even though I am constantly checking my calendar to see what activities the kids have, I don't really pay attention to the dates.  It was a hard day.  I struggled all day with my emotions, feeling overwhelmed with life, being sad and just getting motivated.  Funny how those days sneak up on you and you don't even realize it. I wouldn't believe it if someone told me but it's true.  At least it's true for me.

So I survived the 14th and then on the following day, I went to pick up our pictures.  We met a friend at Sonic so the kids could play.  As I flipped through our newly developed pictures, I was shocked to find pictures of Hadley.  Brent had taken some at the hospital.  I had no idea they were on this film.  I will say, they are the typical newborn pictures.  Her eyes are greasy from the ointment they put on them, her face is a little puffy, etc. BUT they are beautiful!  What a wonderful surprise after a hard day.  Just another kiss on the cheek from God and I needed it.

So publicly I proclaim:  "THANK YOU JESUS!"

Please pray

I feel so blessed that so many of you have read this blog and kept our family in your prayers and I assure you that those prayers helped us through our darkest days. 

Now I am asking you to pray for my friend, Shana.  You may have seen her comments on this blog.  She has been such a source of encouragement to me since I found out I was pregnant with Hadley. 

 Shana and I were roommates our senior year of college.  We both got degress in elementary special education.  We both got married in July after we graduated from college.  We both got pregnant soon after we were married.  We both have four children.  We even both have a boy with reddish hair.  I love that we share all of these things.  I now share something else with this dear friend that I never wanted to share with any of my friends.  We now both have a child waiting for us in heaven.

This is sweet little Ava.  She went to be with Jesus on Thursday, April 28th.

This is Ava's wonderful family that will never be complete again on this side of heaven. 

Please pray for this family.

I know they need and would appreciate your prayers.

6 months

It's been six months since we said our final "goodbye" to our beautiful, sweet, baby girl. It's hard to believe.  It's been hard. The numbness has worn off.  We are back to a busy routine with the kids, work and life...life without our Hadley. 


Hadley's visitation was incredible.  Approximately 400 people came through to give us a hug and show their support. We were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love.   My mind seemed so clear that night but it's all a foggy memory now.  Many people were meeting Hadley and saying goodbye all at the same time.  I don't think there are words to express how much love and support we felt that night.


We wanted her funeral to be beautiful.  I know that sounds weird.  I don't get to plan a birthday party, there won't be a graduation or a wedding so this was Hadley's day and I wanted it to be perfect.  Brent and I struggled to choose the elements of the funeral because I had only thought about my funeral some day.  I always thought I wanted it to be a celebration of my life.  We struggled with how to make her funeral a celebration.  We finally decided that when a child dies, it's just sad.  We weren't celebrating 90 plus years of life.  We were saying goodbye to our dream of her 90 plus years of life and accepting that she only had 49 days.  Once we accepted that, it all fell into place.


Hadley wore a cute, little, pink dress and white sweater.  I bought it for her before she was born.  I had planned on her wearing at her baby dedication.  She wore a tiny engraved bracellete that her Daddy bought for her.  Her little white booties were worn by Averi and Kinley at their baby dedications and of course she had Grandma Judy's afghan with her. 


When we viewed Hadley for the first time at the funeral home, she had a dark bruise on her right cheek.  We speculated it was from tape that was used to hold tubes, lines, etc. in place.  They warned us that it would darken but it was better to be seen than try to cover it with a bunch of make-up.  We agreed but I really wished it wasn't there.  At visitation, I realized the bruise was gone.  It wasn't there.  Just another kiss on the cheek.  


We had beautiful pictures displayed and all of her favorite things.  There were so many flowers and plants.  I wish I would have counted all of them.  We had the song "Held" sang and it was beautiful.  Our pastor had an incredible message in which he talked about Job.  Job lost everything.  He lost his family, his cattle, his health...everything... but he continued to praise God.  He explained that God's plan is perfect but we might never understand why on this side of Heaven. We might speculate why Hadley died but we will never really know until Heaven. 


Grandpa Stover and Grandpa Stones were casket bearers as "Jesus Loves Me" played.  I loved the little voice on the CD that sang this version of the song.  It's what I imagine her voice would have sounded like.


A special friend created a slideshow for us to play at the funeral.  I was so thankful that all I had to do was give her the pictures, the song and she did it.  I couldn't have done it.  I wouldn't have had time.  I had no idea how much there was to do to prepare for this day.  I had no idea all the errands I would need to run.  I am so thankful for all the wonderful people that did so much for us.  I can't list everyone because I would forget someone.  From someone hemming my pants for visitation,  to creating beautiful picture collages of Hadley.....it all meant so much. 


We had decided the burial would take place in our hometown.  The hour drive to the burial was long but it felt right to end this day at "home."  We had a short ceremony at the cementary and ended with releasing pink and white balloons.  It was a beautiful fall day.  The sky was clear with only a few fluffy white clouds.  We stood and watched the balloons until we couldn't see them anymore.


Then it was time.  We had to leave.  To be honest, I don't know how I made it to the car because I really wanted to stay there forever.  I really wanted to take her out of that casket and hold her one more time.  I think in times like this your body goes into auto pilot and does the right thing and not the irrational thing that you are telling it to do.  It has to be God that gives you the strength because it definitely wasn't me. 

Pictures a friend had made for visitation.

A small card we gave everyone at visitation and the funeral.

Just as the sun came up on October 9th it also rose on October 15th.  You feel like it shouldn't.  You feel like the whole world should just stop... but it doesn't.  I remember as hospital staff in the PICU came into Hadley's room to say goodbye, one nurse whispered, "at least you have three other kids at home."  I was horrified.  That didn't make it easier.  What did she mean?  Why would she say that?  I soon understood.  Many times I have thought, "I am so thankful for our three other kids."  I had to keep going.  They missed Hadley horribly but they wanted to go to the pumpkin patch, they wanted to do the corn maze, they wanted to have friends spend the night, they wanted to go, go, go.  I didn't want to but I had to.  They kept me going.  They got me out of the house.   God gave me the strength to continue to be their mom.  I was Hadley's mom but I am also Averi's mom, Kaden's mom and Kinley's mom.  I can't stop being their mom. 


So what now?  I am not sure.

I know that God has plans for us. 

I know that he will use us and Hadley's death somehow and maybe in ways we will never know.

I know that Hadley is with Jesus.

I know that we will see her again.

I know that HADLEY'S HOPE  is that each of you know her Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him. 

Laura Story - Blessings

It's the STUFF

I have been putting off finishing the last post.  The post about Hadley's funeral.  Please keep checking because it will be posted soon, hopefully.  There is a beautiful slideshow that I want you to see.

Yes, it's hard but lately but I am just tired. 

I realized that I prepare myself to deal with the big things and we've gotten through those.  We made it through Christmas, we made it through a visit back to the PICU, we have made it through so many BIG things.  I have realized that those things are almost easier than the "little" things because I plan for the big things.  I prepare myself.  Lately it's the little things.  Those are the things that I am not prepared for.  They seem so small but just hit you in the face and you have no time to prepare, no time to practice in your head how you will respond.  It's running into people who knew you were pregnant but haven't heard what happened.   It's going to the mailbox and getting baby coupons from all the things you filled out when you were pregnant so you would get those coupons. It's the samples of formula that also come in the mail.  It's the insurance statements that come addressed to Hadley Stones.  It's realizing that my school webpage still says I am the mother of four.  It's seeing a baby in the grocery store wearing the same outfit that I bought for Hadley, but she never wore.  It's finding a new tiny diaper that somehow fell between our bed and the cedar chest.  It's finding the brand new crib sheet that never got to be used. 

It's those things that are the hardest.  It's those things that take every ounce of strength to see, acknowledge and go on.  On the other hand, I know that they will end too.  We'll get through these "little" things and then I will wish I could go to the mailbox and see her name.  I will wish that I could see a baby wearing something that I bought for her.  I will miss these little reminders. 

So please keep checking.  I have one more post for Hadley's blog.  Thank you for continuing to pray for us.  Thank you for continuing to talk about her. Thank you for just smiling at us when you don't know what to say.  Thank you for the hugs, encouragement and taking the time to read this blog.

We are thankful for each one of you....even though we have never met many of you.

On October 9th as I sat outside, because I couldn't stand to be awake in the quiet house. The sun came up just like every other day.  I remember thinking, "I made it to October 9th.  I survived October 8th."  I was thankful to see the most beautiful sunrise.  The kids wanted pancakes for breakfast.  Thank goodness Brent had the strength to make them because I didn't.  This was the first day of our "new normal."  

How did we make it?  God.  He just kept showing His love for us over and over.  Here are a few amazing things He did.

*Over and over again, someone would knock on the door and have something we needed.


*We went to make arrangements for the funeral and the funeral director was from our hometown.  We knew that and that is why we chose him.  He was so kind and patient as we had no idea what we were doing.  It was so comforting to have him helping us.

*I thought I lost the note from the stranger in the surgery waiting room.  I had searched our suitcase, diaper bag and everything else we had drug to the hospital with us.  I couldn't find it. The day of visitation I was waiting for Brent at the funeral home. We were going to see our little girl for the first time since we had to leave her at the hospital.  The song "Held" came on the radio as I waited.  We had decided that we would have this song sung at Hadley's funeral.  I reached into my purse to get a kleenex and there it was.  The note that I had lost was right on top of my billfold.  I had been in my purse since we had left the hospital but never saw the note before that moment.  It wasn't crumpled.  It was still perfectly folded just like the day it was put in my hand.

*After leaving the funeral home, I took Brent's car and went to pick up pictures that a friend had put together for the visitation.  I called ahead to see if they were done.  When I called, they told me that their machine was broken and they would not be printing until tomorrow.  I burst into tears and explained that I HAD to have the pictures that day for my baby's visitation. They told me to come in 30 minutes and they would have them.  I don't know where they printed them but when I arrived I received a huge hug from the clerk I spoke to.  She so gently removed the beautiful pictures from the envelope and explained that they kept all the "mistake" ones and they were free. The others were already paid for.  Now I had extras to share with family.  As I left and got into Brent's car, I realized that his radio was set to our hometown radio station.  They were reading Hadley's obituary.  I hadn't heard it before that moment.

*Days after Hadley's funeral, Brent and I had to meet to begin the process of designing a headstone for Hadley.  Kinley had to go with us and quickly informed the woman helping us that she would like an orange headstone.  Kinley has a way of making us laugh, even in the toughest of times.  God knew we would need her spunk and wit when we gave us our Kinley.  As we left I turned on the radio and it was on again.  The song "Held" was on the radio.  We have continued to be reminded that we are being held, just as the song says.

*The day I visited Hadley's grave for the first time after the funeral was by myself.  Brent was at work and I went home to go to the cemetery and see my mom and dad.  I got cold so I sat in the car for a while to warm up and the song "Save a Place for Me" came on the radio.  

 

 

His love continues

The morning of October 8th I returned to Hadley's room in the PICU early in the morning.  Her night had been a little rough.  I  remember how cold she felt when I kissed her that morning and her coloring was not good.  Her little heart wasn't doing any work yet.  The machine was doing it all.  She had no heart tones and no pulse.  I had never imagined that you could have no heart beat and no pulse but be alive.  It seemed so strange.  She was totally sedated because any movement would have been unsafe for her.

Brent and I took turns sitting with her throughout the morning.  There was so much in her room plus two nurses, there wasn't really room for both of us.  After open heart surgery, the chest is left open and bandaged.  At around 11:00am, Hadleys' surgeon returned and decided to "clean out" her chest.  Things started going smoother after that.

                         This was the little bear laying over her eyes while in the PICU.  It was to help limit the stimulus of lights.

While we were waiting to return to her room after the procedure, God sent us a huge kiss on the cheek.  A great friend was in town.  She was here all the way from Minnesota.   As we sat and talked in the waiting room, Brent asked if she wanted to see Hadley. She did.  I even told her that she probably didn't.  I could only handle seeing her because she was my daughter.  I couldn't imagine wanting to see someone's baby with all that "stuff" hooked up to them.  I have thanked God so many times for her desire to meet Hadley.  To brave the PICU and the ugliness of it all just to meet our sweet baby girl.  We stayed only a few minutes, but as we left I kissed Hadley goodbye and whispered "I'll be back soon.  I love you."  She looked so good now.  She was warm, her coloring was nice and pink.  Her nurse told us that she even heard heart tones and felt a pulse.  Yeah!  This meant that her heart was starting to do it's job, even if just a little. 

We left to go finish our visit in the waiting room.  For the first time in over 24 hours I felt myself relax.  I felt like we had turned a corner.  We would just wait out the weekend and then Monday we would try to take her off ECMO.  The Dr. had told us it was already on his schedule.  

Then it happened.  Someone came into the waiting room and called for "Hadley's parents."  They didn't make us sanitize our hands or go through the routine of entering the PICU.  We were told to "get to her room."  It felt like miles to get to her.  These are the moments that are private.  These are the moments that I will not share and I hope you understand why.

I know that many of you reading this were reading this blog the day I had to write of Hadley's death.  Some of you are received a phone call from us, a family member, or a friend.  You were shocked.  We were shocked.   Her nurses were shocked.  Her surgeon was shocked. There was nothing that indicated this would happen. I didn't know you could die while you were on life support.   It was abrupt, quick and unexpected.  She had two incredible nurses by her side and nothing indicated a problem.  No one missed anything.  Her stats were good and  then it happened, her aorta ruptured.  She was immediately in the arms of Jesus and our prayers WERE answered.  Her heart was healed.  It was completely healed.  It just wasn't the answer we expected.


During all of this, we told our friend she could leave, but she didn't.  She stayed.  She stayed even though she probably wanted to run away. I would have wanted to.  She has a baby in Heaven waiting for her too.  I kept thinking, "God why would you let this happen when she was here??  This is too much for her."  She willingly stayed with us.  She understood like very few could have at that moment.   She was such a comfort in those moments.  Because of her I got to give Hadley one last kiss.  It is NOT a random happening that a friend from Minnesota, that understands loosing a child, would just happen to be in town, miles from her home on the day that Hadley died.  That was God.  


The rest of that evening was something that I couldn't have imagined.  It was sad, but very calm and peaceful.  The fact that Brent and I could calmly talk to our other three children when they arrived, is totally God.  He gave us the words, He gave us the composure, He gave us the strength.  I was so proud of our kids.  They were so brave.  They all wanted to see their baby sister and say "goodbye."   We had other family there too and our pastor.  We all got to sit in her room together and just hold her.  The hospital gave us lots of time with her.  I am so thankful.

Then it was time.  We had to leave.  With an empty carseat in the car, we drove home.  

Surgery Day

It is hard to write these last posts.  They aren't fun memories but I still feel like I need to share about Hadley's last days and hours because God so clearly revealed his love for us in so many ways, even during our darkest hours.  These are the many "kisses on the cheek" that God gave us.  


It all began as we sat waiting for surgery.  Brent and I had planned on meeting my parents and his parents in the surgery waiting room.  As we sat in a big room, separated with curtains, I heard my Dad's voice.  There they were, all four grandparents.  When they checked in at security, they were sent straight to us instead of the waiting room.  They got one more "goodbye" with Hadley.  We are so thankful now.  I don't believe that is was an accident that they got to see her one more time.


As we waited for surgery, nurses would peek into our curtain and then leave.  There seemed to be confusion.  A nurse finally came to us and said, "We really aren't confused, it's just that when they come in your baby looks so healthy, she doesn't look like a baby getting ready for open heart surgery.  So they are checking the boards and pulling her charts to make sure they have the correct patient."  Wow, just another confirmation of how blessed we were that Hadley was so healthy considering her diagnosis.

Typically families in the waiting room receive surgical updates by a phone call in a private room connected to the main waiting room.  If your child is having major surgery, you receive updates in person.  Someone comes straight from the OR to update the family.  As Hadley's surgery was coming to an end, she was having problems coming off of the bypass machine.  The right side of her heart was not beating like they wanted.  We were thankful to have our Pastor there to lead our family in prayer.  Between updates, I got up to go to the bathroom.  I needed a moment to fall apart without a whole room of people there.  As I approached the bathroom, a woman came up to me.  She said, "I know you don't know me but I am praying for you.  She embraced me and pushed a note into my hand. 

What a special note from an absolute stranger. 

Hadley's surgeon decided to place her on ECMO.  They explained that this is life support.  It is rare but not unheard of.   It was very scary but when he met with us after the surgery, he assured us that he had an optimistic report.  He chose to put her on ECMO to let her heart rest.  Being on ECMO meant that Hadley had two nurses bedside 24/7.  They were excellent nurses.  I had never imagined that being on life support would require so much work.  They talked, assessed, reassessed, adjusted, checked lines, etc. all through the night.  We wanted to spend the night in Hadley's room, but they suggested we get some sleep and that would be impossible in her room.  I slept first and Brent stayed with her until the wee hours of the morning. 

I will be honest. I wrote this post about two weeks ago but haven't been able to post it.  Then today it dawned on me that it has been wonderful to share our memories of Hadley but these last memeories aren't so much about her.  They are about the awesome power of God.  He even sent a stranger to pass on a message to keep our faith and to continue to trust in Him.  That is NOT a random happening.  That was God and he was holding us when we didn't even realize it.  I should be excited to post these things.  Yes, I am sad as they are reminders of Hadley's last two days.  They remind me of things that I honestly don't want to remember:  tubes, IV's, wires, the ECMO machine, etc.  There are things that I won't share on this blog that will remain private memories for us. 

Counting down the days

I started this blog to keep you updated on Hadley's health and requested prayers.  I continued this blog to give you memories and share Hadley with you.  The pictures are done but Hadley's story isn't.  There are so many things that I still need to share.  So many things that God did in our horrible moments that confirmed to us that he was right there. I also want to leave these memories for my other three children.  I want them to read them some day and marvel at God's love. If Hadley's life was short so that ONE person would hear these things and God would be glorified then as Hadley's mom I have to share them with you.  I hope you will continue reading a little longer. 

So I was counting down the days until Hadley's surgery.  I am glad I didn't know I was counting down the days of her life.  After our weekend of lots of holding, we had a few "normal" days.  My mom came and stayed one more time while Brent went out of town overnight.  I can usually handle the overnight trips that Brent has but with Hadley I was always scared we'd have an emergency during the night. So I wanted someone else with me.  If it wasn't for Brent's calm presence, I would have taken Hadley to the ER three times (or more).  We learned that Hadley's oxygen and respriations dropped when she was working on a dirty diaper.  We realized this after she scared nurses twice with oxygen in the lower 60's.  They couldn't figure it out because she was active and had great coloring.  Then like magic, she had a dirty diaper and her oxygen would improve.  That really is hard work for a baby. 

Grandma said goodbye on Tuesday and then Hadley and I spent the day with a very special friend.  Yalana has been my best friend since we met in first grade.  She hadn't met Hadley yet.  She also has four children so finding a time when we weren't at an appointment and she had childcare was a challenge.  I was thankful for another childhood friend, from home, that watched Yalana's kids so we could spend the day together.  I would have been heart-broken if Yalana hadn't met Hadley.  Just another "kiss on the cheek."  She helped me finish laundry, run errands, made scavenger hunts for my kids to do while we were going to be gone and so much more.  She got lots of good time with Hadley.  She changed her diaper, talked to her all day, rocked her and instantly bonded with her. It was our last full day at home and it was wonderful.

Wednesday we took Hadley to KC for all her labs.  We were ready for hours of labs but instead it was really quick.  Another "kiss" because we got home before the kids got home from school.  It was so nice to have one more night here.  We went to Kaden's flag football game.  Usually if Hadley had to go out in public, I kept a blanket over her carrier and didn't allow much peeking... but I did that night.  Lots of people peeked.  Grandpa Stones peeked the most.  When she fell asleep at bedtime,  I thought about holding her all night.  I didn't and I wish I would have.  I thought we both needed one last night of good sleep so we went to bed.  We did have good sleep despite the fact that in only hours, our baby would have open heart surgery. Just another "kiss."

Our last weekend

 This is it.  These are the last pictures we have of Hadley.  This was our last weekend with her. 

In this picture she is wearing one of my favorite outfits.  A gift from Aunt Stefany.  She wore this outfit the day before surgery when we went for her pre-op appointment.  Her last outfit.  An outfit that won't ever be washed. 

Hadley rarely cried.  She would make a few noises but she rarely cut loose and cried.  I had so many things to do this weekend.  It was our last weekend at home.  I didn't know how long I would be gone and was so determined that things would continue seamlessly without me.  I didn't want the other three kids to be in chaos while I was gone.  (I guess I am giving myself a lot of credit about what I do around here.)  I had a huge "to do list."   This also included things for my classroom.  I had not planned to be gone from school so long and was trying to keep things going smoothly there too. I am thankful I had a wonderful sub and paras.

My mom came on Friday to watch Hadley while I worked on lesson plans, laundry, etc.  Miss Hadley cried and cried and cried.  I would run upstairs hold her a few minutes and then try to get to work again.  She would start crying again.  We couldn't figure out what was wrong.  She slept through the night and then again on Saturday she cried and cried and cried.  She was happy if we held her but cried when we put her down.  I went to a wedding Saturday and Brent was home with her most of the day and into the evening.  When I returned home he said, "I held her the whole time.  She cried every time I put her down."  Then Sunday, Brent and the kids went to church and Hadley I were home.  My time of getting things done was ticking away and I was at my wits end.  Again, Hadley cried every single time I put her down and yet she had slept through the night Saturday night.  I was so frustrated I remember picking her up and saying to her, "fine!!! I will just sit and hold you."  Brent returned from church and I tearfully told him I couldn't even get the table set for lunch because I had given up on putting this little girl down.  

Now I tearfully say....."THANK YOU JESUS!"  We didn't put her down for the entire weekend.  The kids got lots of snuggle time with her too because she was happy if she was held.  If Hadley had been her usual happy-go-lucky self,  I would have ran around my house like a mad woman.  She would have spent time in her bouncy seat or on the floor while I made sure our house was perfect.  I didn't know that it was all in vain because we would only be gone for a little over 24 hours.  

I was so frustrated that weekend and now I am so thankful for every second of that weekend. 

Another great surprise

My mom shared these photos with me.  More photos that I had not seen.  Someone said to me, "it's like when you've looked at your wedding photos and soon your memories become what you remember in the photos."  That's kind of what has happened.  Now to have new photos.....is priceless.

                                                   Just talking to Grandma

Averi and Kaden both picked out outfits for Hadley before she was born.  I had wished I had taken pictures of her in them.  Mom happened to have a picture of Hadley wearing the pajamas that Kaden had picked out for her. 

Another great kiss on the cheek....my mom had a picture of the afghan she made for Hadley.  Because mom was busy helping us, she didn't get it finished in time for Hadley to use it.  She would bring it with her to work on when she would come and then would always comment that she didn't accomplish much on it.  I am glad she didn't.  That meant she was busy holding and feeding Hadley while I ran around getting things done.  I am thankful they had those moments.  Hadley liked the way Grandma would always stroke her cheek and talk to her.  We asked mom to finish what she had done so we could put it with Hadley in her casket.  It was her special blanket and we wanted it to be with her.