Our last 23 days...a huge kiss on the cheek.

After Hadley's heart cath, we came home.  We were disappointed but we are now so thankful for those extra 23 days at home.  Hadley's oxygen was greatly improved after the heart cath and we had only a few doctor's appointments.  We were at home and for the first time in weeks, everything felt normal.

 Hadley's activity level increased after the heart cath.  She liked to lay on the floor and kick, stretch and move about.

She was so alert and happy.  Those 23 days were the biggest kiss on the cheek from God.

 I remember one night as I sat rocking Hadley to sleep, Brent was questioning why we were waiting so long for surgery.  We had felt, along with Hadley's cardiologist, that getting it done while she was healthy and doing so good was the best for Hadley.  Our Dr. kept telling us that she was an urgent concern but not an emergency.  We didn't want to become an emergency.  I told Brent, for the first time that night, that during the day when Hadley and I were alone, I would have this thought, "what if we are being given more time because Hadley won't come home after her surgery."  I hated to even say the words aloud that night.  We both agreed that I was just worrying and needed to focus on the positive.  As much as I did, I had that thought, in the quiet times with Hadley, again over the next few weeks.  Was God preparing my heart for what lay ahead?  I think He was. 
While we were in the PICU after surgery, one of Hadley's nurses was amazed to find out we had been at home with Hadley waiting for surgery.  She apologized for being surprised.  She explained that usually these babies are in the hospital while they wait for surgery and it is usually done soon after birth.  As I thought about this later, I realized how those days were really a gift from God.  
This incredible gift of time, at the time, was so frustrating to us.  We wanted to hurry up and get her heart fixed.  Looking back, we are so thankful that God followed his plan and not what we wanted.  I hold onto that when I think about Hadley's death.  We will look back some day and see again that God's plan was perfect.  We might not be able to see it in this life but we will some day, even if we have to wait until Heaven. 

Tracks in the snow

Yesterday we began a new tradition.  We visited Hadley's grave on Christmas Eve.  What struck me as we drove through the cemetery, were the fresh tire tracks in the snow.  We weren't the only people to drive through the cemetery on Christmas Eve.  I looked and saw tracks going many different directions and footprints headed to various headstones of loved ones.  Just a sweet reminder that we are not alone.  Looking at the footprints reminded me of the familiar poem "Footprints in the Sand."  Since I don't live near a beach it seemed so much more fitting in the snow.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

---

Mary Stevenson, 1936

Some of the tire tracks headed right past Hadley's grave.  Had others been there before us to remember her and wish her a Merry Christmas?  Brent and I had never thought about where we would be buried, until Hadley died.  We don't live in our hometown anymore but it seemed only fitting we would return someday as we feel that it will always be our home.  That meant we had to bury Hadley an hour away from us.  It felt right but we just weren't sure.  Now we are so happy that we chose to bury her at home.  It's a place she never got to visit in her short 7 weeks but a place where so many people love her.  I did not want our plots to be so close to the highway BUT it has been so nice to hear people say they see  her grave as they drive through town and think of us or say a pray.  It's the perfect spot.  I love that various people have told me stories of stopping and using their water bottle to give Hadley's mums a drink of water or sitting the mums up when the fall winds had knocked them over.  It makes me feel good that Hadley's grandparents can drive by and "keep an eye on her."  We always make a quick stop when we leave town. We pull into the cemetery to watch the two little butterflie,s staked there, change colors and glow in the night.  It always makes me feel good to know, as we head south on the highway to drive 60 miles home, that daily someone will drive by and think of her. 

Merry Christmas Hadley Abigail Stones!  We love you and miss you.  We can't wait to celebrate Christmas in heaven with you! 

A few of my favorite things

I won't lie.  Christmas would be better this year if Hadley was here to celebrate with us.  I can tell myself a million times how wonderful her Christmas must be in heaven but it doesn't make it feel less empty here.  We have had some nice surprises arrive in the mail over the past few weeks.  These have become some of my favorite things.

I wanted to get special ornaments but hadn't had time.  It has been wonderful to recieve these and not have to worry about getting it done.  I know that many people have wondered what we will do this year.  Some of you have asked and others wonder but don't want to ask.  Of course we hung these ornaments on the tree.  Each of the kids got to hang up one so that was special.  We have matching stockings that I bought years ago but did not have one for Hadley so we are having new stockings made (by my cousin) and will have ALL our names on them.  Lastly, we plan to shop for toys that we would have bought for Hadley this year and then donate them.  I don't want to feel rushed so this will happen after Christmas.  

A year ago...

A year ago I thought I might be pregnant.  I was really almost four weeks pregnant!  This has been on my mind lately. 
A friend realized this timing, without me mentioning it, and pointed out something that I had never considered.  She said something like this:

"A year ago you were just pregnant with Hadley.  So what if the Hanni of today could talk to Hanni a year ago?  What would she say?  Would she say, 'Don't do it, don't get pregnant, don't have this baby.  She is going to die and it will hurt too badly.'  No!  She would say, 'Do it, get pregnant even though it's going to be hard you will love the time you have with her so much."

She was so right.

The onesie says it all.."What's not to love." 

Even if we could have known the future, we would have chose it...

just to have 49 days with her.

The cutest little patient

The day we got a call to go to Children's Mercy for pre-op for the heart cath, we had about an hour to get there.  My mom was here (another kiss on the cheek).  I was so glad she could go with me.  Brent arrived from St. Louis just in time to take Hadley back for her blood draw (a huge kiss because this mom did not want to hold her for that).  Lastly, when we got to Children's for the heart cath we learned that her cardiologist would be the same Dr. that examined Averi when she was a week old (yet another kiss).

                                            Waiting for her heart cath at 5 weeks old.

Under all those blankets, Hadley had many tubes and wires attached to her in various places.  I wish I would have counted.  Every time I took her blankets off to swaddle her, change her diaper, etc.  she would have all those tubes and wires running between her big toe and second toe.  They then ran under the rest of her toes which she curled around the tubing and wires.  Every time she stretched her legs a monitor would go off because she had pulled a probe out of position on her chest, etc.  She found a use for those long toes.

Hadley did great with her heart cath.  We were excited that they didn't see anything new.  She was a great patient.  She got her appetite back quickly and was like a different baby when we took her home.  Her oxygen went from being in the 70's to being in the 90's. She starting moving around more and having some fussy evenings, just like typical babies.

Holding onto Hope

We had so much HOPE after Hadley was diagnosed.  We HOPED she would be healthy, we HOPED she would have a typical life after surgery, we HOPED she would grow up without limitations and be able to do whatever she wanted, bottom line: we HOPED her heart would be healed. 
I have read so many books over the last almost two months.  Many have been good books but one has been excellent.  We received Holding onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie from my best friend.  She sent it to honor what would have been Hadley's 3 month birthday.  I want to share what I learned from this book in case you are dealing with a loss....any loss not just the loss of a child or maybe you know someone that you could recommend this book to.  It was recommended to us by a mother who also lost a baby but I just hadn't bought it yet.  Thank you Yalana for sending it to us.
The title was perfect for us and Hadley's life.  Our HOPE was that Hadley would grow into a healthy girl after her heart surgery.  So what is our HOPE now because we have been shaken? 

The first quote that hit me like a slap in the face was this:
"Here is where I find out if I really believe what I say I believe."   

Then I found another quote that gave me comfort:
"Sometimes it seems like people around us think that because we know the one we love is in heaven, we shouldn't be sad.  But they don't understand how far away heaven feels, and how long the future seems as we see before us the years we have to spend on this earth before we see the one we love again."
This hasn't been other people.  This has been me.  Me feeling guilty for the deep sorrow and sadness I feel.  This made me realize that you can have deep sorrow and still have HOPE.  It doesn't mean you aren't trusting in God, it means you are being human.


I was totally convicted by this:
"We worship because God is worthy, not necessarily because we 'feel' like it."
This was a wake up call to me.  It's been hard to worship.  It's hard to sing at church, it's hard to really "feel" joyful, it's hard to pray. We aren't called to worship God because it feels good.  We are called to worship because he is deserving of our praise.

   
I am writing this post because:
"God will not allow meaningless suffering." 
"If God has allowed suffering in your life, it is for a purpose.  A good purpose.  A holy purpose."
"We have the ability to bring glory to God in how we respond and deal day by day with this difficulty."
"Your circumstances provide an unparalleled opportunity to glorify God just by your trust in his unseen purpose." 
I would not want to give the impression that this is easy because I have HOPE in God's promises.  It is not easy at all but God has gotten us through this.  I can honestly say that the morning after Hadley's death, I wasn't sure I would ever get out of bed again but I did and I can tell you that it was only by the power of God.


I hadn't thought of this... but it's so true:
"We tend to think that if we only knew why we were suffering, we would be able to bear it...But would we?"
At Hadley's funeral our Pastor reminded us that we might never know why Hadley's life was so short.  We shouldn't spend our lives asking "why" because we will never know for sure.  I agree with all he said but I hadn't thought about what if we could know why?  I really don't think it would change the hurt. 


My comfort and HOPE:
"God wants to use the difficulties in your life not to punish you or to hurt you but to draw you to himself."

This wasn't a fun post...it's not filled with Hadley's cute pictures or memories of her BUT I believe, as I stated before, her life can be used to share our faith with others.  I pray that I will remain faithful to God and to Hadley, to honor her life, by sharing how God has held us through this time. 

Bottom line...........our HOPE is in God.

OK, so I had to add a picture of Hadley. 

A Nice Surprise

It was such a nice surprise to open my email today and find pictures of Hadley that I haven't seen before.  I have looked at our pictures over and over and have them memorized.  I can't even explain how exciting it was to see a new picture of her.  It's a feeling I really can't describe.  It's been a hard week.  Realizing that last Friday marked 7 weeks since her death means that we have now lived longer without her than we did with her.  It was really nice to get these pictures today.  Another kiss on the cheek and just what I needed.

 I am so glad that Rick and Michelle, a couple from church, came to visit and took these pictures.  Rick has a pretty big soft spot for baby girls which is good because they have five.  We had promised him that he would be the first to hold her at church.  Once Hadley was diagnosed, we knew we wouldn't be taking her to church for quite a while.  I am so glad Rick got to come and hold her and get some of his baby girl fix.  They took these pictures to share with our congregation.  Thank you Rick and Michelle for coming, holding Hadley, taking pictures, bringing us a meal and praying for us.