I have been putting off finishing the last post. The post about Hadley's funeral. Please keep checking because it will be posted soon, hopefully. There is a beautiful slideshow that I want you to see.
Yes, it's hard but lately but I am just tired.
I realized that I prepare myself to deal with the big things and we've gotten through those. We made it through Christmas, we made it through a visit back to the PICU, we have made it through so many BIG things. I have realized that those things are almost easier than the "little" things because I plan for the big things. I prepare myself. Lately it's the little things. Those are the things that I am not prepared for. They seem so small but just hit you in the face and you have no time to prepare, no time to practice in your head how you will respond. It's running into people who knew you were pregnant but haven't heard what happened. It's going to the mailbox and getting baby coupons from all the things you filled out when you were pregnant so you would get those coupons. It's the samples of formula that also come in the mail. It's the insurance statements that come addressed to Hadley Stones. It's realizing that my school webpage still says I am the mother of four. It's seeing a baby in the grocery store wearing the same outfit that I bought for Hadley, but she never wore. It's finding a new tiny diaper that somehow fell between our bed and the cedar chest. It's finding the brand new crib sheet that never got to be used.
It's those things that are the hardest. It's those things that take every ounce of strength to see, acknowledge and go on. On the other hand, I know that they will end too. We'll get through these "little" things and then I will wish I could go to the mailbox and see her name. I will wish that I could see a baby wearing something that I bought for her. I will miss these little reminders.
So please keep checking. I have one more post for Hadley's blog. Thank you for continuing to pray for us. Thank you for continuing to talk about her. Thank you for just smiling at us when you don't know what to say. Thank you for the hugs, encouragement and taking the time to read this blog.
We are thankful for each one of you....even though we have never met many of you.
13 comments:
We have never met, but I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you have and are going through, thank you for sharing your precious daughter with us. Please know that you will continue to be in my prayers.
Hanni -
It makes me sad to think of Hadley's last post, but I know that I will continue to go back and read her blog for a long time. I think I have been checking her blog every day to see if you have a new post. There have been many times when I've thought about her and just had to go back to older posts to look at her sweet pictures. May God continue to hold you in the palm of his Almighty hands, give you the words to share, and the strength to stay strong!
Much love,
Rita
I love you Hanni. I continue to pray for you all.
Oh Hanni...those little things can tear you up. You are so right. I want to let you know that the little things never end though. Now at almost 11 years, the little things will hit head on. In a way, I am thankful for the little things that come every once in a while because they remind me that I haven't forgotten. God bless you for your blog and how you have taught people about grief.
I think what Heidi says is true- the ability to FEEL reminds us that we have not forgotten. Even though it is like picking at a scab and keeping a wound open, may the scars that are created be beautiful reminders of the love that will always be in your heart for Hadley. I pray that you won't shut off those emotions and lock them away. Keep FEELING and we will all keep holding you and helping you heal.
Love, love, love you!
~Y.
Love you friend. I can't wait to see Hadley's slide show!
Hanni~
I just want you to know that you ARE a mother of 4. It doesn't matter if our children are here with us, or are angel in heaven. We carried those babies, and love them just as much as the other children we have. Sometimes it opens up painful questions as to why they are not with us, but it has hurt me more in the past to not mention Brenlee than it has to talk about her. You are her Mommy, and no one else gets that privilege. :o) I'm here if you need me.
Tammy Lister
Just remember that there are so many Sabetha people that love you and are continually praying for your dear family as well as wisdom & strength for you to face each and everyday knowing that God is in control. We have the privilege of driving by Hadley's resting place and stop and take a moment to think of her and the family.
God Bless!
I will be watching for that post.
Hanni, your thoughts have taught me so much about living, loving and believing in the signs and messages around us. I can't even imagine some of those "little" things that you must face, deal and feel on a daily basis. Hadley is always with you and I know she is holding you thru your day.
Shana
Hanni, I can not imagine how hard the "little things" are but I want you to know I am definatly one of those people that "smile because I don't know what to say" but I'm still here, keeping up and hearing every word you say because I want you to know I'm still here. I miss seeing you everyday even though it's been 2 years (wow!) but even though I don't see you everyday, you have taught me SO much about faith, greif, and God through Hadley. I know this isn't your ideal way of doing that but God is using you in big ways in my life. I know this is long but I just wanted you to know. I love you guys and hope to see you soon!
Hanni, I remain awed by your and Brent's strength and faith. Thanks for sharing Hadley's story. Best, Anne
Hanni,
Please know that those around you still care and are often unsure how to express that care. I am not sure why you and Brent had to experience this, but I try not to question, I am but a servant and not necessarily privy to what God has planned for us. I know th blog is a way for you to deal with a portion of your feelings.... and you do such a beautiful job. Take care,
Krista
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